Coached to Feel Psychologist Says Parents Must Help Children Develop Emotional Intelligence
The Spokesman Review
Jeanette White Staff writer
September 21, 2000
Barbie was having a bad day, and it wasn't because the feminists were picking on her again.
The doll was afraid, 4-year-old Moriah informed her dad, Seattle psychologist John Gottman.
It was late; Gottman could have gone to bed, hoping Barbie would get over it. Instead he asked Moriah to elaborate on her doll's feelings.
He soon discovered Moriah was troubled by an argument she'd overheard between her parents at dinner. Gottman seized the opportunity to assure her that married people can get angry and still love each other.
"It was an emotion-coaching moment," says Gottman, a nationally acclaimed researcher and psychology professor at the University of Washington.
Gottman believes parents owe it to their children to become coaches, specializing not in soccer or baseball but in emotions. They must be aware of "magic moments" when kids are open to exploring and learning from their feelings, especially negative and confusing ones.
Attentive coaching can dramatically boost their children's emotional intelligence, Gottman says. It can mean the difference between a contented kid and one who's perpetually anxious, a child who controls anger and one who resorts to violence.
Gottman will be at The Met in Spokane on Sept. 28 to talk about emotion coaching, also the subject of his 1997 book, "Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child: The Heart of Parenting."
Researchers coined the term "emotional intelligence" a decade ago; it became popular when psychologist Daniel Goleman published a best seller by that name five years later. The public embraced the idea that a person's emotional stability is more critical than IQ in determining success.
Goleman, who praises Gottman's work as research-based, says youth today desperately need help in developing their emotional intelligence.
"There's evidence coming in that this generation of kids isn't as good at this as in the past, that as a society we aren't as effective at passing it on to kids," he says.
That's partly because so many parents are working harder to support their families and thus spending less time with children, suggests Goleman. Television and computers play a role, too, by limiting kids' interactions with other people.
The surge in medications to control emotions, such as anti- depressants and anti-anxiety drugs, support the notion that kids increasingly struggle with emotions, says Bert Powell, a Spokane therapist who specializes in bonding between parents and children.
"It's a crucial issue. Each one of us has to learn how to manage our emotions -- when we're angry, disappointed, when we're down."
Gottman measures emotional intelligence in children using several criteria: the ability to control impulses, delay gratification, self- motivate, read people's social cues and cope with life's ups and downs.
Developing these skills takes practice, and that's where the parent-coach comes in. The first step is learning to recognize children's wide range of emotions, says Gottman. "The most important thing parents can provide is to really be aware of kids' emotions. The average child goes through 80 emotions in one day."
Parents, afraid of raising a whiny wimp, often make the mistake of urging kids to stifle negative feelings, such as fear or anxiety, says Gottman. "The kid doesn't stop having the feeling, the kid is just alone with it. The parent is really cutting channels of communication."
Children who are encouraged to talk through confusing feelings actually grow stronger emotionally, Gottman says. "There is really important information in negative emotions."
Frightened children, for instance, can learn to feel safe by examining their fear, he says. "If you find out why you're sad, you may find out what's missing in your world. If you find out why you're angry, you might find you have certain goals being blocked."
As children learn to understand their own emotions, they can better relate to others. Their fine-tuned social skills set them up for stronger friendships, marriages -- even work relationships. "They've learned a social moxie, the ability to read social situations," says Gottman.
Emotion-savvy children are more likely to become managers on the job, surpassing others with high IQs, he says. "Emotional intelligence is much more predictive of success in the workplace and with friends and families. IQ is a lousy predictor of how people do in life."
Research bears it out, he says. Take two children with identical IQs. As early as age 8, the emotionally aware child scores better in reading and math.
Researchers have also noticed major differences in how emotion- coaching parents interact with their children. When teaching something new, these parents give their children just a little information and then stand back and watch. When the child does something right, parents praise them.
The other parents, referred to as "emotion-dismissing," dole out detailed instructions followed by abundant criticism when the child makes a wrong move. The effect is immediate, says Gottman. "Kids' performance went down the tubes."
Spokane therapist Lynn Lavin sees one family after another whose problems can be traced back to such strained communication.
"Parents don't talk to their kids, kids don't talk to their parents. Left alone long enough, kids begin to act out of that pain."
In a nation where numerous children have lost their grip long enough to maim and kill classmates, parents can't afford to leave their kids' emotional development to chance, says Lavin, director at St. Joseph Family Center.
"That's why I think this is critical for Spokane. We need to be concerned about it."
This sidebar appeared with the story:
COMING UP
Program Sept. 28
John Gottman will speak on "Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child" at 7 p.m. Sept. 28 at The Met. Tickets are $15 and available through G&B Select-a-Seat at 325-SEAT, The Met ticket office, and St. Joseph Family Center, the nonprofit counseling center hosting the presentation. All proceeds will help low-income families obtain counseling.
(C) 2000 The Spokesman Review via Bell&Howell Information and Learning Company; All Rights Reserved.
This news story is not produced by the American Psychological Association and does not necessarily represent the opinions of the association.