Cliques Make Fitting in A Tough Task for Teens in High School
The Detroit News
Karen S. Peterson Gannett News Service
January 24, 2001
Looking back, Molly Melamed recalls that middle school is where "the torture starts. There are so many different little cliques. And you are trying so hard to be cool, to fit in, to do what it takes to be in the popular groups," says Melamed, 17, of Farmington Hills, Mich. "The girls will really back-stab you. It's disgusting. I would love to make a documentary on it. Now that would be a scary movie!"
Learning to fit in is becoming increasingly important at ever younger ages, experts say. But fortunately, they add, parents can do a good bit to help.
Kids now mix with others earlier, says Hara Estroff Marano, author of Why Doesn't Anybody Like Me? (William Morrow, $12). "Kids used to stay home until they were 5, but now they are starting day care and preschool at age 2. They have to learn social competence with other kids much earlier in life."
Although the importance of parents in an adolescent's life is documented in many studies, "social scientists are suggesting that the locus of children's identity is shifting from the family to their peer groups at an ever-younger age," says sociologist Patricia Adler, co-author of Peer Power: Preadolescent Culture and Identity (Rutgers University, $20). "Kids derive their identity from their location in these friendship circles."
Lucas Ruiz knows how important it is to feel part of a group. "Hanging with the right crowd makes you feel you are worth something and are needed," says Ruiz, 17, of Junction City, Kan. "If you are by yourself, it is hard to relate to other people. You never have someone to confide in, and basically that is what the social group gives you."
In middle school, he was "taunted and teased," by some pretty "immature kids." He decided to take things into his own hands and get a new group of friends. "I started all over again when I got into high school, joining lots of clubs and organizations. I got really involved in school. And it really helped me out. I became freshman class president."
There have always been cliques, says Margaret Sagarese, co-author of CLIQUES: 8 Steps to Help Your Child Survive the Social Jungle (Broadway, $14) due in stores Feb. 6. "But nowadays the world is meaner, and the possibility of violence (by outcast kids) is greater. This whole idea that we have to be concerned with cliques is more urgent."
She writes, "These young adolescents need attention or they are susceptible to adolescent depression, drug abuse or moving into violent subcultures."
While Sagarese sees cliques as mostly negative, others see them as more neutral, places to learn future life lessons. "We are talking about the micropolitics of everyday life, in every office, neighborhood and in every organization," Adler says.
Michelle Caucutt remembers those politics. "When I was in middle school, it was very important to hang out with the right people. Otherwise, you did not get invited to the birthday parties, or kids would not sit with you at lunch. You had to find the right group to carry you into high school," says Caucutt, 17, of Middleton, Wis.
Group hierarchy
Trying to find a child's piece of the social puzzle starts at about 8 and continues into middle school, experts say. Colorado sociologists Patricia and Peter Adler studied peer groups among a community of third- to sixth-graders for a period of eight years.
There is a true hierarchy of groups, the Adlers found. Finding a niche "is the most important thing," in a youngster's life, Patricia Adler says. "It defines who you are. It sets the tone of your everyday experience. Without a group, your life could be hell."
The popular clique is the largest, possibly containing overlapping subgroups around a leader and perhaps a best friend. The status of the rest of the group fluctuates. Closed and exclusive, these groups are the cool kids whose leader can cast other members out.
"You come in having a bad hair day, or say something wrong, and the leader turns against you. And it's like links on a chain. If the leader turns, everyone else does," Patricia Adler says. Smaller groups of about five to 15 friends form much more democratic "friendship circles." They are less work to stay in.
"If you did not talk the night before with every single member of the group, you can come in the next day and not feel the rest will hate you," she says.
Then there are the wannabes, those who hang out around the popular clique, seeking even temporary membership. And finally, there is a small group of true outsiders, isolated kids who eat alone in the lunchroom and risk the lowest self-esteem.
Shannon Valley would disagree that some kids are "totally" alone. Virtually everyone will belong to a group eventually, she says. "There are the preps, the cheerleaders, the goths, punks, ravers, gay cliques, racial cliques, the freaks, headbangers, the smart cliques, the whole bohemian type. Nobody is totally alone. Even the outsiders have a loser clique," says Valley, 15, of Houston.
Being popular usually involves different traits for boys and girls. The No. 1 requirement for young boys is athletic ability, Patricia Adler says. "And there is a coolness, a toughness, a need to model this macho masculinity to prove themselves."
For girls, it is "first looks, and then clothes, socioeconomic status." The breakdown mirrors traditional gender roles, she says. "Men are socialized to achieve, and girls to catch a man."
Other experts stress that popularity is not always the key: Belonging is, to some group -- sometimes, to any group.
A parental role
Parents and other adults can help make it happen. They are still pivotal figures in helping kids negotiate the social wilderness in late elementary and middle school, experts say.
"All the research shows that a one-on-one connection with an adult, a parent, a teacher, a coach, is 10 times more powerful an influence than peers," says William Pollack, a Harvard Medical School psychologist and author of Real Boys' Voices (Random House, $25.95).
Some of the techniques experts recommend to help your young child understand his social world:
* Teach him social skills. "Help him read the responses of others," Marano says. "What does his behavior look like in their eyes?"
* Help him identify and control emotions. "We teach them math and a foreign language," Sagarese says. "But we don't teach them the differences between anger, frustration and anxiety."
* Diagram the cliques in the lunchroom. Use this as a learning tool to discover what groups sit where and where your child thinks he fits in, Sagarese says.
Where do I fit in?
Sociologists Patricia and Peter Adler define categories of children's peer groups:
* Popular Clique. The cool group, structured along a hierarchy. Leader has great power. Totals about one-third of school population.
* Wannabes. Hover around and mimic the popular set. About 10 percent.
* Middle Friendship Circles. Small groups of about five-15 loyal friends; different subgroups and subtypes. Total about 45 percent-50 percent.
* Loners. Drifters, dweebs, nerds, isolated kids with virtually no friends. Maybe 10 percent.
Source: Peer Power: Preadolescent Culture and Identity by Peter and Patricia Adler.
(C) 2001 The Detroit News. via Bell&Howell Information and Learning Company; All Rights Reserved
This news story is not produced by the American Psychological Association and does not necessarily represent the opinions of the association.